How to Keep Your Prostate Healthy as F***

On top of bowel obstructions from too much deer meat, losing knife fights, and severing our own jugular veins while shaving with straight razors, one major concern for dudes in dick cancer.
Prostate cancer (close enough) affects one in every 7 men in their lifetime. To put this in perspective, you’re as likely to get prostate cancer as you are to:
-have a Facebook account
-use some form of public assistance like Medicaid or EBT
-have brown eyes
-smoke a cigarette at some point in your life
-work at a fast food restaurant at some point in your life
-speak english
-suffer from migraines
Dead ass serious, Bros. It’s a real issue.
So now onto some important questions.

What the fuck is a prostate?

prostate2

The male prostate is a walnut-sized gland located between your bladder and your wang. Think of your prostate as your asshole’s upstairs neighbor. The urethra runs through the center of the prostate, from the bladder to the penis, letting urine flow out of the body. The prostate secretes fluid that nourishes and protects sperm.

Why the fuck do so many people get prostate cancer?

prostate

What EXACTLY causes it cannot be said for certain, but we do know that the main factor is age. Men below 40 rarely get diagnosed, between 40 and 64 the rate goes up quite a bit, and then fucking sky-rockets after 65. Ultimately, mutations in your DNA lead to the growth of cancerous cells. These mutations cause cells in your prostate to start growing uncontrollably and abnormally and continue to grow and divide until a cancerous tumor develops.

How the fuck do i prevent prostate cancer?

Again, there is no sure-fire way to eliminate the risk of prostate cancer completely. There are however, a number of behaviors and foods that have been shown to decrease risk significantly.

1. Eat tomatoes

tomatoes

One powerful antioxidant that has shown protective tendencies for the prostate is Lycopene. And these little red bastards are bursting at the seams with it. Lycopene may help prevent prostate cancer as well as reduce tumor growth among men with prostate cancer. Certain evidence has suggested that Lycopene may decrease cell damage and slow cancer cell production. Because lycopene is tightly bound to cell walls however, the body has a difficult time extracting it from raw tomatoes. So cooking them or getting them from the following products may be your best bet:

tomato paste
spaghetti sauce
sun-dried tomatoes
tomato juice
ketchup

2. Eat broccoli

broccoli

Forget about your PTSD from your mom trying to fly this shit into your mouth on a spoon plane when you were younger, these little green bastards are like mini incredible hulks who run around beating the shit out of cancer cells. Research has steadily shown the direct relation between cruciferous vegetables and reduced cancer risk. Scientists believe this is due to a phytochemical called sulforaphane, which specifically targets and MERKS cancer cells.

3. Stop Being a lazy fuck

workout

There is a direct correlation between exercise and just about every good thing on the planet. Less risk of heart disease, less risk of diabetes, less risk of dying a virgin, exercising solves a fuck ton of issues- and prostate cancer risk is one of them. So get up, get out, and get moving.

4. Get to know yourself

meat

If you’re one of those guys who spends hours in front of the computer all day ‘badgering the witness’, youre in good hands (literally). Research has shown that buttering the corn regularly helps flush out potential carcinogens from the prostate, thus reducing the risk of prostate cancer. And the more the better! According to Harvard, “Scientists found that men who ejaculated 21 or more times a month enjoyed a 33% lower risk of prostate cancer compared with men who reported four to seven ejaculations a month throughout their lifetimes”. So if you really want to reduce your risk, you should be burping the worm just about every damn day.

5. Get finger banged by your doc

glove

As uncomfortable as they are, a prostate check just might save your life. Your doctor will slide a gloved, lubricated finger in your leather cheerio and check for irregularities. If your doctor finds any abnormalities in the texture, shape or size of your gland, he or she may order more tests, like a Prostate-specific antigen (PSA) test. Catching it early may be the key to saving your life.

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