If you were born with even the slightest shred of manliness in your DNA, you’ve heard of it. You’ve memorized it. You’ve maybe even lived by it. That’s right, I’m talking about the bro code. The guy code. The unwritten set of rules handed down from generation to generation all the way from snowflake millennials and gen x’ers to baby boomers and bearded men who walked to school in eight feet of snow. While these rules were never formally filed or written anywhere at their official inception, the internet age has given us a platform to give this living manifesto a timeless soapbox on which to feed hungry minds. Below is just a small fraction of the essential elements of the bro code:
1. Bros before hoes
For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last century, bros before hoes basically means that you should ALWAYS prioritize your male friends over ANY female that is not your wife or immediate relative. Just like all men are not pigs, but most are, not all women are inherently bad, but most use their evil vagina magic like Jedi mind tricks to pry apart bros and turn them into sweater-vest wearing tofu eaters who never go out with the boys or watch football.
2. Urinal rule
There are literally zero exceptions to this rule. Call it the 1-3-5 rule. Meaning if there are 5 urinals, and there is already a gentlemen standing at the first one, then although the next 4 are technically empty, only numbers 3 and 5 are suitable urinals. Never ever stand next to another man at a urinal, and FOR FUCK SAKE do not talk to him or even glance at his member.
3. Last one to get laid is the wing man.
If you’ve recently gotten laid or are getting schnizz on the reg, and your bro is currently experiencing a dry spell, it is your civic duty to help him get laid. Otherwise all that backed up male essence in his nads is gonna explode and express itself in the form of a hasty mail-order bride marriage or mass shooting. That means dropping compliment bombs in the presence of females when he’s not around (don’t overdue it, don’t wanna look gay), and possibly falling on a grenade (distracting the ugly friend while your boy moves in on the looker). A friend in need is a friend indeed, and every friend is in need of a wingman.
4. One trip only when carrying groceries
Because two trips if for pussies. I don’t care if you’ve got a double wide tractor trailer packed to the rim with gallons of milk. You hook two dozen on each finger, lift with your back and drag your ass sideways through that kitchen door to avoid that extra trip. (double bagging canned goods and glass is advised).
5. Don’t date your bros ex
Eating and drinking after your bro is the absolute line in the sand when it comes to sanitary matters. Dating your bros ex is the equivalent of using his toothbrush, only the toothbrush is a vagina. Just don’t do it.
6. Don’t wear gloves to the gym.
If you’re gonna wear gloves to the gym, make sure they match your purse. If you’re trying to avoid calluses on your hands you need to take a class on manliness or maybe just ditch the idea of resistance training all together and change your name to Caitlyn.
Also: Don’t fucking shadowbox in the gym. If you wouldn’t go to the boxing gym and do barbell curls in the ring, don’t fucking shadowbox at the fitness gym. And if your bro dies while lifting weights, put more weight on the bar, then call 911.
7. How to order a steak
There’s 4 degrees of doneness to a steak. Ultra rare, rare, medium rare, and throw it in the fucking garbage and get a salad Tina. People who like their steak all the way cooked are the same people who push doors that say pull, hold a pencil with their entire hand, and hate America.
8. Never look another dude in the eyes while eating a banana or washing a carrot.
The first time i heard this i laughed at its absurdity, but it comes up a lot more often than you might think. Trust me on this.
9. Flat tires and popped hoods.
I don’t care if you don’t know the first thing there is to know about cars. When you see someone pulled over on the side of the road with a flat tire, dead battery, or hood popped, you stop and assist. If all else fails, you and your new bro can not know what the fuck you’re doing together until qualified help arrives.
10. walk on the street side
Now you may think “The man should walk on the side closest to the street as to protect the woman from possibly getting hit by a car”. But this is wrong for two reasons:
1. Outside of playskool flintstone-style cars and motorcycles, motor vehicles are more than big enough to take out two or more people at once, regardless of who’s walking on what side.
2. You always walk on the street side because if a woman is walking on the street side, in most societies and cultures this is a sign that the woman is a prostitute.
Have more important guy code rules? Drop them in the comments!